Understanding Grief
In my work with clients, grief often enters the room quietly. Sometimes it looks like tears that come easily, and other times it hides behind anger, fatigue, or numbness. I have had clients tell me they are worried they might not be ‘grieving correctly’ because they aren’t crying as much as they think they “should.” Others describe a sense of disconnection after losing a job, a relationship, or even a vision of their future self. Grief doesn’t only live in death, it touches every corner of human experience where loss resides.
This blog explores what grief truly is, some common misunderstandings, how it shows up in the mind and body, and why it’s never as simple as moving through neat stages. My hope is to normalize the roller coaster of emotions that come with loss and offer reassurance that there is no “right way” to grieve.
What Is Grief?
Grief is one of the most universal, and yet most misunderstood, human experiences. It isn’t just an emotion; it’s a full-body, full-soul response to loss. Research describes grief as a natural and adaptive response to losing something or someone we are deeply attached to. It’s not a disorder or a sign of weakness, it’s the body and mind’s way of adapting to change.
Grief affects every part of us. It can bring emotional pain, yes, but also cognitive fog, physical fatigue, social withdrawal, and spiritual questioning. It’s the heartache that feels heavy in the chest, the mind that replays memories on a loop, the sleepless nights, and the deep yearning to make sense of a world that’s shifted.
In essence, grief is essentially the price we pay for love. It reflects our capacity to form deep bonds to care, attach, and invest ourselves in something meaningful. When that bond is broken, our sense of identity and safety is shaken. Grief, then, becomes the process of learning to live with that change and slowly finding a way to integrate the loss into our ongoing story.
Common Misunderstandings About Grief
Despite being universal, grief is often surrounded by misconceptions that can leave people feeling isolated or “wrong” in how they are coping.
Myth 1: Grief follows predictable stages
Many of us grew up hearing about the “five stages of grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But newer research shows that grief is not linear. We don’t move neatly from one stage to the next. Instead, grief fluctuates. One day you may feel okay, and the next you’re overcome by emotion again. This doesn’t mean you’re back at the beginning, it means you’re human.
Myth 2: Grieving means letting go
For years, people were told that healing required “moving on” or “getting over” their loss. Today we understand that continuing bonds with those we’ve lost can be healthy and deeply comforting. You might talk to your loved one, keep certain traditions alive, or feel their presence in quiet moments. These connections can help anchor you in meaning and love, even as you move forward.
Myth 3: If you’re not visibly grieving, something’s wrong
Grief doesn’t always look like tears. Some people experience grief as anger, irritability, or emotional numbness. Others feel more cognitive or physical effects than emotional ones. Everyone’s process is different, and that’s okay. The absence of visible grief doesn’t mean the absence of love or pain.
Myth 4: Time heals all wounds
Time alone doesn’t heal grief, it’s what happens within that time that matters. While most people naturally adapt and find a way to integrate their loss, some need additional support, especially if their grief remains intense and disruptive for months or years. Healing often comes through expression, connection, and meaning-making, not just waiting.
How Grief Shows Up in the Body
We often think of grief as emotional, but it’s also deeply physical. The mind and body are intricately connected, and loss can trigger real physiological changes.
In the early stages of grief, the body reacts as if it’s under threat. Heart rate and blood pressure may rise, sleep and appetite can fluctuate, and energy levels drop. Cortisol (the stress hormone) surges, leaving us feeling wired and exhausted all at once. Some people describe a heaviness in their chest, muscle tension, or stomach upset. These are normal responses; the body is trying to regulate itself in the midst of stress and pain.
Researchers have found that prolonged or intense grief can even affect the immune system and increase inflammation, which helps explain why people who are grieving may be more susceptible to illness. For many, these symptoms ease over time as the nervous system regains balance but for others, especially those experiencing prolonged grief, these changes can linger.
The takeaway? Grief lives in the body. Rest, nourishment, and gentle movement are not luxuries during grief, they are essential. Your body carries the story of your loss, and tending to it is a powerful form of self-compassion.
Grief Is Not Linear
If you’ve ever felt like your grief “should” be over by now, you’re not alone. Many people expect that grief has a clear beginning, middle, and end. But in truth, it doesn’t follow a straight path.
Grief moves in waves. Some days the water feels calm; other days, it crashes unexpectedly. You may feel moments of peace or even joy, only to be surprised by sadness again. This doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re healing.
The Dual Process Model of grief describes this movement as oscillation, shifting between facing the loss (feeling the pain, remembering, reflecting) and engaging with life (working, connecting, finding new meaning). Both are necessary. We can’t live in grief all the time, nor can we avoid it completely. Healing happens in the movement between the two.
Grief is also deeply personal. Your process depends on your relationship with what was lost, your personality, your culture, your coping tools, and your past experiences. There is no single timeline or “right” way through. What matters most is honoring where you are, not where you think you should be.
Finding Meaning and Compassion in the Process
One of the most profound parts of grief is how it reshapes us. In the midst of loss, we often find ourselves asking, Who am I now? What does this mean? How do I carry this forward? These questions are not signs of being stuck, they are part of the healing journey.
Grief invites us to reconstruct meaning, to rebuild our sense of self and the world after something important has changed. For some, that might look like finding purpose in honoring their loved one. For others, it may mean recognizing their own resilience or learning to live more deeply aligned with their values.
If you are grieving, whether a person, a relationship, your health, or a chapter of your life, know that there is no single roadmap. You are not broken for feeling angry, relieved, or numb. You are not behind for still having hard days months or years later. Grief is not something to get over; it’s something to grow around.
Be gentle with yourself. Rest when you need to, cry when you can, laugh when it feels right, and know that love doesn’t end with loss, it evolves.
A Closing Reflection
If you take one thing from this, let it be this: you are grieving exactly as you need to. Grief is not a problem to fix, but a process to honor, a natural, sacred part of being human. The waves may never disappear entirely, but over time, you learn how to ride them, and you might discover in all of this that grief isn’t just about loss, it’s also about love, resilience, and the quiet strength it takes to keep living with an open heart.
References
Guldin, M.-B., & Leget, C. (2023). The integrated process model of loss and grief: An interprofessional understanding. Death Studies, 48(7), 738–752. https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2023.2272960
Hall, C. (2014). Bereavement theory: Recent developments in our understanding of grief and bereavement. Bereavement Care, 33(1), 7–12. https://doi.org/10.1080/02682621.2014.902610
O'Connor, M. F. (2019). Grief: A brief history of research on how body, mind, and brain adapt. Psychosomatic Medicine, 81(8), 731–738. https://doi.org/10.1097/PSY.0000000000000717
