I want to start with something personal.
For many years, I lived without boundaries, not because I didn't know they existed, but because I told myself it was easier not to have them, especially with my family.
Saying yes felt like keeping the peace, staying quiet felt like love, and going along with things I didn't want felt like being a good daughter.
After years of saying ‘yes’, somewhere along the way, I started asking myself a question that changed everything: “Whose peace am I keeping?”
This question helped me because it made me realize that while I thought I was ‘keeping the peace’, I was managing everyone else's comfort at the expense of my own.
I was saying yes when I meant no, showing up when I was running on empty, and swallowing my needs so that no one else had to feel even a moment of discomfort. The outcome of all of this was that I noticed that the longer I was doing this, the more resentful, exhausted, and disconnected I felt. Not just from others, but from myself.
Fast forward to today, learning to set boundaries was one of the hardest and most important things I have ever done, and it is work I continue to focus on.
You Are Not Alone
Before we go any further, I want to say this clearly: struggling with boundaries is one of the most common things I see in my work with clients.
It doesn't matter how capable, self-aware, or emotionally intelligent someone is. Boundaries are hard. They can feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and even frightening. If you have spent years prioritising everyone else's needs, the idea of putting your own first can feel completely foreign, and that makes complete sense.
You are not alone in this, and it is not a personal failing.
Why Do We Feel Guilty When We Set Boundaries?
Guilt around boundaries doesn't come from nowhere. For most of us, it has roots, and those roots often go back a long way.
Research on personal boundaries highlights that the development of healthy limits begins in early childhood and is shaped by our relationships with parents and caregivers. It involves a gradual transition from complete dependence in childhood toward independence and autonomy in adulthood. When that process is disrupted, or when boundaries were never clearly modelled for us, we can arrive in adulthood without a reliable internal sense of where we end and others begin.
Many of us received direct or indirect messages that our needs were too much, that saying no was unkind, or that keeping others happy was our responsibility. These messages don't disappear when we grow up, they become internalised beliefs that quietly run the show.
There is also a physiological piece to this. When we feel guilt, anxiety, or even panic around asserting a limit, that is often our nervous system responding rather than simply our thoughts. If expressing a need once led to conflict, rejection, or emotional withdrawal, the body learned to associate boundary setting with threat. So, even when a boundary is completely reasonable, we can feel flooded with guilt as a kind of protective, conditioned response.
Understanding this doesn't erase the guilt overnight. But it does invite us to respond to it with more compassion and far less self-judgement.
What the Research Tells Us
The evidence on this is clear; boundaries are not a luxury, they are a fundamental component of mental health and wellbeing.
A 2020 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that individuals with weak emotional boundaries experienced significantly higher levels of stress and relationship dissatisfaction. More specifically, those who maintain clear personal boundaries report 62% higher life satisfaction scores and 47% lower stress levels than those with poor boundary setting habits.
A 2022 study in Psychological Health found that individuals who regularly enforced boundaries were considerably less likely to experience burnout, and research published in Clinical Psychology Review found that people who struggled to set boundaries were more likely to report symptoms of anxiety and depression.
Setting a Boundary vs. Maintaining One
This is a distinction that doesn't get talked about enough, and it matters enormously.
Setting a boundary is the act of naming a limit. It might sound like: "I'm not available for calls after 8pm." Or: "I need us to take a break when our conversation becomes heated." It is one moment of communication.
Maintaining a boundary is everything that comes after. It is the ongoing practice of honouring what you said, especially when it gets tested…and it often does get tested. People may push back, go quiet, express disappointment, or simply not change their behaviour right away.
A study in Organizational Behavior found that inconsistently maintained boundaries were violated 3.4 times more frequently than those that were consistently enforced. Consistency isn't rigidity, it is how others learn to trust what you say.
A few things that help with maintenance. First, choose clarity over lengthy explanation. You do not need to over-justify your limits. A calm, clear statement is enough. Over-explaining often opens the door to negotiation. Second, expect discomfort, both yours and theirs. Discomfort is not a sign you have done something wrong. It often means you are doing something new. Third, remember that when you say no, you are really saying yes to yourself. Reframing boundary setting this way can make it far easier to sustain.
The Nervous System Connection
Here is something that surprises many people. Boundary setting is not just a mindset shift. It is a nervous system experience.
Research in Psychiatry Research found that people who maintained healthy emotional boundaries were better equipped to regulate their feelings and respond more calmly in stressful situations, but the reverse is also true. When we haven't yet built that capacity, even thinking about a difficult conversation can trigger a stress response.
Anxiety and stress develop when we take responsibility for other people's emotions, behaviours, and thoughts. Many of the anxieties people experience are rooted in the absence of clear boundaries. The nervous system, shaped by years of learning that keeping others comfortable keeps us safe, can respond to the idea of disappointing someone as though it were genuinely dangerous.
This is why affirmations alone are often not enough. You can know that a boundary is healthy and still feel terrified to hold it. The body needs time and often support to catch up to what the mind understands. Small regulation practices like slow breathing, grounding, or gentle movement can help create enough internal safety to stay present in those moments.
How to Begin Setting Boundaries
If you are new to this, start small. You don't have to overhaul every relationship overnight.
Drawing from the work of therapist, Nedra Tawwab, and the positive psychology research base, building healthy boundaries begins with self-awareness. Understanding your own needs, desires, and values, and paying attention to how different situations affect your wellbeing.
From there, a simple three-step approach can help.
- Be as clear and as straightforward as possible without raising your voice.
- State your need or request directly in terms of what you would like, rather than what you don't want.
- Accept any discomfort that arises as a result, whether that is guilt, shame, or a sense of remorse. It is a normal part of the process.
A few additional starting points worth considering.
- Notice your signals: Pay attention to when you feel drained, resentful, or anxious after interactions. These are often signs that a limit has been crossed or a need has gone unmet.
- Start with lower-stakes situations and practise in relationships or contexts where the risk feels manageable before taking on the harder ones.
- Name it simply, because clear and kind is always enough.
- Take time to understand your own needs, limits, and values so you know what you are protecting.
Learning to say no when necessary is not a selfish or unfriendly act. It is an expression of self-preservation and self-respect.
Want to Go Deeper?
If you want to explore the nervous system piece further, Emotional Badass with Nikki Eisenhauer (Licensed Professional Counsellor) is a wonderful podcast that weaves together nervous system education, trauma healing, and boundary work in an accessible, compassionate way. It is a great listen for anyone doing this kind of inner work. Available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Struggling with boundaries is something many of my clients bring into the therapy room, and it is some of the most meaningful work we do together. If this resonated with you and you would like support, I would love to connect. https://serebrohealth.ca/team/elissa-herrington
